A growing concern

(Editor’s Note: The following is part one of a two-part series. The names of the victim and their alleged abuser have been changed to protect the victim’s privacy and safety. See Friday’s edition for the second and final article in this series.)

Only an estimated 33 percent of teenagers who were in a violent relationship ever confided in another person about the abuse. One in six college-age women have been sexually abused in a dating relationship.

These 2017 statistics from the federally-funded National Domestic Abuse Hotline are alarming but for some, like Hannah, all too relatable.

Hannah and Ryan

She was 18 and starting her first semester of college when she met Ryan, a young youth pastor. Hannah had recently had her heart broken by another boy and was not interested in dating. Ryan, however, was.

“We developed a friendship and in a way, I felt guilty that I kept turning him down,” she said. “He was very self-conscious. He would talk down about himself and always ask me questions about what I liked about him as a person.”

Eventually she agreed to go out with him. The pair was only together four months but in that time, Ryan underwent a rapid personality shift. Instead of displaying a lack of self-confidence, he elevated himself and put his girlfriend down. He also pressured her into changing her college major to a field he felt would be more complimentary to his work as a pastor.

“He would tell me sometimes, if we were arguing or something, that his word was final because he was a youth pastor, so he was closer to God than I could be,” Hannah said.

Soon enough Ryan controlled not only their relationship but Hannah’s life. He would keep her on the phone for hours at a time. If she tried to end the conversation, he would instigate a fight or tell her she didn’t love him. All of her free time was spent with him and if they did not fill that time how he wanted, Ryan was angry. He would go through her phone, computer and bedroom without permission and question Hannah about things he found.

She realized at one point that giving Ryan presents could pacify him. In their four months together, she said, she spent several hundreds dollars in this effort.

The abuse was not only emotional and verbal. One day Ryan pinned his girlfriend down, his knee on her chest while he held her arms behind her. He told her that he was much stronger than she was and he could hurt her if he wanted.

“He became sexually aggressive over time,” Hannah added. “He manipulated me into having sex with him when I didn’t want to. He would make me try things I didn’t want to and if I absolutely refused, he was very cold about it.”

Ashamed of herself, however, Hannah remained with her boyfriend and pretended she was happy.

“I guess I didn’t fully see what was happening and I didn’t think anyone else did either,” she said. “The weekend before finals, I forgot my laptop charger at his house. He lived a few hours away from my dorm. I asked him if he could meet me halfway with the charger because I needed it for my tests. He told me, because it was my fault I had left it behind, ‘I could, but honestly, I just don’t feel like it.’”

Instead, her roommate rode with her to Ryan’s house. The friend had overheard the many fights over the phone and saw the toll the relationship had taken in four short months.

“She asked me how things were going and I told her they were good,” Hannah said. “She kind of paused then she asked me, ‘Are they really?’ She didn’t push or say much more. She had actually been in a really bad relationship in high school. She knew what was happening but she knew I had to see the truth for myself.”

The stress took such a toll in one semester that Hannah decided to move back into her parents’ home and transfer to a different university. Ryan helped her move. On his way home, he got a speeding ticket. He showed up at Hannah’s job on her birthday and gave the ticket to her. He said she had to pay the fine because he would not have been on the road had she not needed help moving.

Despite everything, it was Ryan who ended the relationship. Hannah learned he had been seeing another girl.

“I had started to realize what we had was not healthy but I was angry when he ended it,” she said. “I was angry because I felt like I had allowed myself to be treated that way for nothing, like there would be some payoff if I stayed.”

Some time after the breakup, she met a guy named Jamey, who became one her closest friends. His character reminded her that there were good men in the world. Jamey expressed interest in dating her but Hannah turned him down.

“I said no and he accepted my answer but still remained one of my best friends,” she said. “After what I had been through with Ryan, that told me so much about the type of guy Jamey was.”

Nearly 15 years later, though, Hannah and Jamey are married and have three children. Like any spouse, her husband can annoy her and sometimes they argue.

“But he’s never said one ugly word to me, even if we have a big fight,” she said. “He’s never put his hands on me or forced me to do something I don’t want to. I married a good man.”

Looking back, she sometimes wonders if she could have somehow detected Ryan’s true colors. Before they began dating, a woman who knew the two warned Hannah against a relationship. The woman said she felt there was “something off” about Ryan.

“If you have family and friends you are very close to, that you trust without question, you need to listen if they are telling you something is seriously wrong in your relationship,” Hannah said. “Rely on facts and not feelings. Don’t tell yourself, ‘He or she only did that because they were upset.’ If someone would use that same situation as an example of unhealthy behavior, would you see it as abuse?”

Still today, only a couple of her close friends know what took place between Hannah and Ryan. Mutual friends they shared do not know. Her parents do not know. She has only told her husband Jamey a few details.

“There was always this sense of shame that I let myself be in that position,” she said. “I have to remember that I was a kid. I really was. I wouldn’t put up with any of that today.

“Now that I’m a mom, I realize people need to learn how to treat others and behave in relationships long before they start dating,” she continued. “Even in Ryan’s friendships, I now see they were toxic, too. Everything was about him, no matter if it was with me or his friends.”

Her experiences with Ryan factor into the reasons she teaches her children how to be a good friend, and why it is important to treat others with kindness and consideration.

“I dread when my kids get older and start dating, but I do worry about my little girl more,” Hannah added. “Girls tend to react to emotional manipulation more than boys do. Sometimes it’s easy to pull a girl into a bad situation when she cares a lot about other people’s feelings.”

No community immune to teen dating violence

Stacey Naquin, an assistant district attorney in Jeff Davis Parish, said there have been local cases involving teen dating abuse, as well as teens physically abusing their own parents.

“Thankfully, we do not see these cases regularly, but it has happened,” she said. “The cases where a boyfriend or girlfriend is abusing the person they are dating typically involve young people between the ages of 16 and 20. When we’re discussing a child abusing a parent, I have seen some cases involve juveniles as young as 14.”

How a case is ultimately handled depends on the severity of the accusations.

“If the claims are egregious enough that there is no doubt the case should be tried in court, then charges are filed against that juvenile,” Naquin said. “Just as with an adult criminal, they will need an attorney to represent them and will have to prove their innocence. The only difference is, juvenile offenders can maintain confidentiality because of their age.”

In situations where a criminal trial is not deemed necessary but it is apparent that a teenager needs professional help, some families are referred to Louisiana Families In Need of Services (FINS) Association. This is a nonprofit that helps youth identified as offenders and their families gain access to services designed to deter juveniles from committing more serious offenses.

“The goal of FINS is to intervene and help a family find services needed for their situation before court action becomes necessary,” Naquin said. “This process includes an in-depth assessment to identify possible issues and determine what help is needed.”

The family history and personal history of young offenders accused of some type of dating or domestic violence varies in each case.

“I haven’t noticed a distinct pattern with young people accused of some type of domestic abuse in my experience,” Naquin said. “Some come from troubled homes and some began abusing others in some way after developing a substance abuse problem. Honestly, the first indicator of juvenile delinquency and adult criminal activities is truancy, when a young person regularly misses school.”

If a teenager is frightened by their dating partner because of threats, verbal abuse and especially physical or sexual abuse, Naquin urges them to go to a trusted adult for help and contact law enforcement. Local resources are available to provide guidance and protection, as well.

She said the Jennings-based Communities Against Domestic Abuse (CADA) can assist victims in applying for a protective order, a legal tool that provides immediate results.

“The criminal justice system does have built-in delays, where police first handle a case, then it’s forwarded to the DA’s office then our office has to review that case,” Naquin said. “A protective order, however, is immediate. CADA works with attorneys who look at the facts of the situation to ensure it meets the requirements that trigger a protective order.”

Once signed by a judge, the accused is given notice of the order. It prohibits that person from making any type of contact with individuals listed in the protective order.

“The offender cannot contact you directly or through third parties, contact you on social media, go to your job or work place, and in some cases even your school,” Naquin said. “That order goes into effect the minute it is served to the offender until a hearing officer can decide if the order should remain in place.”

In the presence of a hearing officer, a victim has the opportunity to testify and present evidence of the crime they are alleging has occurred. The offender has the right to be present and speak as well. However, some victims choose not to go before the court because they fear confronting their abuser.

“Dating violence in teen relationships is a growing concern and as a prosecutor, you want to protect victims and see that offenders face the legal consequences of their actions,” Naquin said. “But this office works very hard to honor the wishes of survivors. Some survivors may not want to go forth in pursuing a conviction. So there are many services in place that help victims come to terms with what they have experienced, and some services that work to prevent an offender from making those same choices again.”

While some parents might worry their son or daughter is being abused by a partner, other parents might worry their teenager is the perpetrator. Naquin said help can be obtained in these situations.

“I’m grateful for parents who are observant and willing to take action when they are worried their child has a problem,” she said. “If you know your child has committed a crime such as threatening others or committing battery, cooperate with law enforcement. Let them know what happened. By doing this, you can hopefully get your child help, whether it is through counseling or anger management classes. Sometimes behavior like this is indicative of substance abuse. There are ways to get help to prevent this behavior from escalating.”

For more information on FINS, visit lafins.org. To learn about services provided by CADA to abuse survivors, call (337) 616-8418. Teens experiencing dating abuse can also access help confidentially through the National Domestic Abuse Hotline’s Love is Respect program. Text “loveis” to 22522 or call (866) 331-9474. Additional resources are available at loveisrespect.org .

Don’t tell yourself, ‘He or she only did that because they were upset.’ If someone would use that same situation as an example of unhealthy behavior, would you see it as abuse?”
– Hannah